So it been awhile since I wrote. Not that I have been so busy, but just have been focused, I guess. I really have devoted myself to work and working out, and kind of neglected my social life in hopes of waiting until after the new year. I cant fucking wait to go home for a few weeks. I need to get out of here and re-charge my battery. I have been reading people's post, and finding old friends on facebook. You know what is weird...when woman that you love, now have a family and are happily married. Part of me, is very happy that they ended up alright, part of me thinks that might have been you. Who knows though? Maybe I expect too much for the marriage type of woman. I have had that kind of love though. The kind of love that makes you crazy, but you dont even think.. you just do. Thats what I want, a friend, everything. Am I wrong to want so much. I think people settle for someone that they care about, and will know that will provide them love and security..etc. Sometimes I think about settling, but that scares me. I think that if you think that you are settling you are already fucked. You should always want to be with that person, and can never see your life without them. Thats what I want. The trouble is, I dont have an avenue to get it. Work is full of old guys, and going out to the bar is hard to meet that kind of woman. I think this usually comes from friends, or family introducing you. What do I know though. It would be nice to get laid, to be honest.. but I feel bad when I mess around with a woman I really have no interest in. I feel kind of proud and dirty if that makes sense. I wish I knew how to find my niche, a good job (check), happy with me (semi-check), family, friends, not even close. I just need a spark.
I mean dont get me wrong I love people who meet in hs, and get married. They are lucky, plus I think they are naive, which draws them back to each other because lets be honest. Dating can be daunting, and scarey. Plus, finding your "love" at 17, if that is all you know and you care about. Then thats enough. You dont search for something you dont know. If that make sense. Its true what they say. People that you love, take a piece of you. So if you only loved one woman.. they get all of you.. not whats left. It gets harder when you have find a woman who will fill those missing pieces with their love. I think about that. A woman living 40 years with me. all my faults.. I am the most competitive, self-demanding, little OCD person that I know. There are things that I must do in order to feel right, but at the same time I can be pretty awesome. Thats it though, a person that makes you feel like the person you want to be. A person that knows you, and loves the shit out of you anyway. I think thats real love. If your really lucky, that same woman is a woman that you are great friends with, and is smokin hot by your standards. If thats the case, thats the one. I want that. The question is, when you turn 30, and havent found it again, what do you do?
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
BU BU BU!!!
My Bradley years began in excitement and bugs. I moved in to a basement with a bunch of buddies. This basement was full of flies and grasshoppers. It was dark, moldly, and generally disgusting. I made a little less disgusting. It was free rent though, so I went through it. Looking back.. I dont know if I would live in the basement again, but being poor.. I got free rent and I was able to live in a house with a bunch of friends.
Grad school was new and excited, and I remember I was suprised at 1) That I was the only American 2) That everyone was older than myself. It was a great time in my life though. The Rusty Pole...but back to my toils.
So my first "Bradley" interest was Jaime..or Ji-mae.. as Moes called her. She always acted interested, but we never seem to get together. Eventually, we started hanging out, and I started doing sweet things for her.. Bringing her food, notes.. all that romantic crap. She was the type of girl that was kind of town-boyish.. but she had a boombastic body. It went on that way. Gradually, I chipped away at her, I think. I would hang out with her and her freshman friends, even though I really didnt want to. Just to see her. It was hard to read her, and I was a little bit insecure because she never expressed emotion. I always had to hear how much she liked me through her friends.
There are a few things worth note though, before I come to the end. I used to drive to her place (about an hour away) just to spend time with her. We would sit there and talk and watch tv for hours.. She always stroked my hair when we were cuddling. I liked that. The times that it was just me and her. New Years Eve we spend in Chicago. It was awesome. $20 all you could drink. It was a perfect New Years, and I got to kiss her at mid-night. It was a memoriable kiss. The Chicago Skyline in the background. I think it was the best New Years I have ever had, still to this day.
Now eventually, I grew tired of trying and not really ever gaining. I mean, we were making out, but it would never advance, and she said that she wasnt ready for a relationship.. Let me stop you, if a woman ever says those words, say "take a hike". So I stopped calling, hanging out...everything.
One night, about 6 months later, she called me saying that she was ready for a relationship. I said that I would call her to hang out. I never did. I knew I was over those childish games. Plus, I dont want a saint by any means, but when sex is not involved..and you want it to be.. it gets complicated.
One side note: I did have a brief run-in with a girl named Emily who used to hang out with us. She got drunk one night, slept over.. didnt say anything..left.. and then told me that she wasnt interested. I dont know what to make of this, but I figure it makes a funny tidbit, and I would include it. They wonder why I am a man-cub...lol
That brings us to the Saga....known as Kristen.
Where to begin.. I guess.. Myspace. She was man-hunting.. as she sometimes does, and found me on myspace. We chatted a little bit, but I wasnt sure what to make of it. To be honest I am not sure how I feel about women who try to contact you via myspace, or at least I didnt at the time. So eventually, I agreed to meet her at wing-dings. I can remember seeing her for the first time. She was wearing a green shirt. She had curly blonde hair, and was cute. I started talking to her...and eventually we went to her bar..Richards.. Excuse my tone, but this is like Jesus telling the story of the beginning of the Bible...it seems so small when you know how the story turns out.
Thats where it began. I sat there, talking to her. I have to tell you something, a confession. I have a mini-gift. I have the ability to read people. I think that I can tell a person true persona. I could see right through her. I dont think that she has/had that ever happen to her before. Maybe thats why she got so interested. I am not really sure, all I knew is that she was the typical "tough" exterior with a marshmellow interior. Although there was nothing purely typical about her, except that I was a deuche bag....
Grad school was new and excited, and I remember I was suprised at 1) That I was the only American 2) That everyone was older than myself. It was a great time in my life though. The Rusty Pole...but back to my toils.
So my first "Bradley" interest was Jaime..or Ji-mae.. as Moes called her. She always acted interested, but we never seem to get together. Eventually, we started hanging out, and I started doing sweet things for her.. Bringing her food, notes.. all that romantic crap. She was the type of girl that was kind of town-boyish.. but she had a boombastic body. It went on that way. Gradually, I chipped away at her, I think. I would hang out with her and her freshman friends, even though I really didnt want to. Just to see her. It was hard to read her, and I was a little bit insecure because she never expressed emotion. I always had to hear how much she liked me through her friends.
There are a few things worth note though, before I come to the end. I used to drive to her place (about an hour away) just to spend time with her. We would sit there and talk and watch tv for hours.. She always stroked my hair when we were cuddling. I liked that. The times that it was just me and her. New Years Eve we spend in Chicago. It was awesome. $20 all you could drink. It was a perfect New Years, and I got to kiss her at mid-night. It was a memoriable kiss. The Chicago Skyline in the background. I think it was the best New Years I have ever had, still to this day.
Now eventually, I grew tired of trying and not really ever gaining. I mean, we were making out, but it would never advance, and she said that she wasnt ready for a relationship.. Let me stop you, if a woman ever says those words, say "take a hike". So I stopped calling, hanging out...everything.
One night, about 6 months later, she called me saying that she was ready for a relationship. I said that I would call her to hang out. I never did. I knew I was over those childish games. Plus, I dont want a saint by any means, but when sex is not involved..and you want it to be.. it gets complicated.
One side note: I did have a brief run-in with a girl named Emily who used to hang out with us. She got drunk one night, slept over.. didnt say anything..left.. and then told me that she wasnt interested. I dont know what to make of this, but I figure it makes a funny tidbit, and I would include it. They wonder why I am a man-cub...lol
That brings us to the Saga....known as Kristen.
Where to begin.. I guess.. Myspace. She was man-hunting.. as she sometimes does, and found me on myspace. We chatted a little bit, but I wasnt sure what to make of it. To be honest I am not sure how I feel about women who try to contact you via myspace, or at least I didnt at the time. So eventually, I agreed to meet her at wing-dings. I can remember seeing her for the first time. She was wearing a green shirt. She had curly blonde hair, and was cute. I started talking to her...and eventually we went to her bar..Richards.. Excuse my tone, but this is like Jesus telling the story of the beginning of the Bible...it seems so small when you know how the story turns out.
Thats where it began. I sat there, talking to her. I have to tell you something, a confession. I have a mini-gift. I have the ability to read people. I think that I can tell a person true persona. I could see right through her. I dont think that she has/had that ever happen to her before. Maybe thats why she got so interested. I am not really sure, all I knew is that she was the typical "tough" exterior with a marshmellow interior. Although there was nothing purely typical about her, except that I was a deuche bag....
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Emily and Kate...
So I just kind of floated around like that for a while. You know how people get into that trap of routine. Then I remember seeing Emily for the first time. She was sitting on my back porch, visiting my roommate Ryan. She did a double take immediately. I was a Sr. at WIU, and she was a freshman at U of I. Somehow, I started talking to her....then everyday..it was nice..but there is a point on the phone that you cant pass. A wall. That once you reach only spending true time together is the way to go. I used to drive over (4 hours) just to spend the weekend with her. It was good. There was one problem...she was young and still a prude to be honest. I remember when we were messing around..she would suddenly freak out and say things like "God is watching us". I mean there isnt much to say to that...and I think she was somewhat embarrassed that people might think she is making out with her boyfriend...Although she did have a freaky side too...which made me want her even more.. She had the finest ass ever. She had been a runner in High school..man that thing was sweet. Plus, she was a big U of I fan..and I got to go to many games the year they made it to the championship game. The best thing about this story is winter break. That was the time when we were falling in love, when there was no distance between us...it was wonderful...She was so kind hearted...really..a little naive...but really a sweet person. I once dressed as the hulk for her...shirtless and all...I loved the times it was just me and her...she always smelled like cotton candy. Now, I foolishly wait for that smell. I can remember dancing and kissing to Bryan Adams..and it makes me miss those times. When I was coming back...being a hopeless romantic. The only thing is...when you are falling in love and have to go back to the distance...it doesnt work...you know what it can be...and you know that it will never be that. Its a funny thing about me. I always try to look at the best part of things, at least in relationships. Eventually, it had to end..and it did.. I think she may have been the last girl that I really had no biased with.
I even had the opportunity to sleep with my teacher, and i passed because I didnt want to be a cheater. My teacher..did the classic.. well finals are today..and so you are no longer my student..Do you wanna come back to my place.. I went back...maybe just curious. I had never been seduced before. Right before, the point of no turning back. I did..I gave her a hug..and left. That was the last time I ever saw my teacher...Jenna.
That brings me to Kate. For her, I must back up a little bit. My friend Mark, was dating Kate. I can remember the first time I saw her. She was so shy, I think it was funny in a way. Well, over the years, she dated Mark, and I dated other people. I could feel the tension building though, especially when it was just me and her. Anyway, she graduated and would come back to visit.. we would hang out. She was incredible. She got me.. I mean she loved to laugh with me.. Gorgeous, humble, funny.. just a total package. The kind of girl that you want to end up with, and I did want her.
My senior year, after Emily. I went into kind of a lul. So I started going to Bradley. Kate was from near Peoria, so we started hanging out...a lot.. Just me and her. I felt bad because I could sense Mark could sense us...but it was an unstoppable force...So she would come and go out with us at bradley. There was one night...me and her were standing in a dark hall way..just looking into each others eyes. I know that she was falling for me. If I only would have known what would happen..I would have gone for it. So graduation came, and she came up to me and gave me a sweet card..that I still have. We where excited because I was going to Bradley for grad school.
We kept in touch over summer, and her and Mark broke up. Well, I tried several times to hang out with her...but she never came...I am not sure why, but she never did. I have never seen her since that day at graduation. Its funny because my heart is still a little broken over that. I mean, I even called her to tell her how I felt...she never responded. She still hasnt. I think that maybe she views it as "what could have been", or maybe she didnt want to hurt Mark. All I know is that. I often wake up at night wondering what happened.
A few months back. I woke up in the middle of the night after a dream that Kate got married. Then a few days later, I saw a picture of her in a wedding dress. Sometimes, I think I am cursed, but maybe these are just heroes trials before i finally get the girl of my dreams. Maybe I will never find her. Its hard finding the girl of your dreams, and then have it end like that. It feels so unfinished, but I tried. So I cant regret anything, and I know that for that short period in the hall way. We could see right into each other...and I guess that will have to be good enough. Although I get sad thinking about that.
Chad, you are the only one that will probably read this, and that is a story that I am not sure anyone knows...but that begins my life as a BU Brave...
I even had the opportunity to sleep with my teacher, and i passed because I didnt want to be a cheater. My teacher..did the classic.. well finals are today..and so you are no longer my student..Do you wanna come back to my place.. I went back...maybe just curious. I had never been seduced before. Right before, the point of no turning back. I did..I gave her a hug..and left. That was the last time I ever saw my teacher...Jenna.
That brings me to Kate. For her, I must back up a little bit. My friend Mark, was dating Kate. I can remember the first time I saw her. She was so shy, I think it was funny in a way. Well, over the years, she dated Mark, and I dated other people. I could feel the tension building though, especially when it was just me and her. Anyway, she graduated and would come back to visit.. we would hang out. She was incredible. She got me.. I mean she loved to laugh with me.. Gorgeous, humble, funny.. just a total package. The kind of girl that you want to end up with, and I did want her.
My senior year, after Emily. I went into kind of a lul. So I started going to Bradley. Kate was from near Peoria, so we started hanging out...a lot.. Just me and her. I felt bad because I could sense Mark could sense us...but it was an unstoppable force...So she would come and go out with us at bradley. There was one night...me and her were standing in a dark hall way..just looking into each others eyes. I know that she was falling for me. If I only would have known what would happen..I would have gone for it. So graduation came, and she came up to me and gave me a sweet card..that I still have. We where excited because I was going to Bradley for grad school.
We kept in touch over summer, and her and Mark broke up. Well, I tried several times to hang out with her...but she never came...I am not sure why, but she never did. I have never seen her since that day at graduation. Its funny because my heart is still a little broken over that. I mean, I even called her to tell her how I felt...she never responded. She still hasnt. I think that maybe she views it as "what could have been", or maybe she didnt want to hurt Mark. All I know is that. I often wake up at night wondering what happened.
A few months back. I woke up in the middle of the night after a dream that Kate got married. Then a few days later, I saw a picture of her in a wedding dress. Sometimes, I think I am cursed, but maybe these are just heroes trials before i finally get the girl of my dreams. Maybe I will never find her. Its hard finding the girl of your dreams, and then have it end like that. It feels so unfinished, but I tried. So I cant regret anything, and I know that for that short period in the hall way. We could see right into each other...and I guess that will have to be good enough. Although I get sad thinking about that.
Chad, you are the only one that will probably read this, and that is a story that I am not sure anyone knows...but that begins my life as a BU Brave...
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Kelly and Kiyoka
You know those things that you regret about life. The people that you hurt that do nothing but love you..that is the worst kind of hurt, but being young I didnt know any better. Kelly, is ordinary...except in one major way.. her heart... I dont remember how I met her, but I remember the first time I saw her. We hung out a lot, in my basement. Its funny, I can still remember how she smelled..lol. What made me a deuche is that she wanted to be my girl friend she loved me, but I didnt love her. I didnt have any thing to give her...I think if I met her today, it may have gone differently, but it didnt. I think that she helped me get through those tough times, and I was always be thankful for that. It reminds me of the Notebook, when Noah has sex with the other chick in the movie, but his heart is always thinking about some one else. Dont get me wrong..I loved Kelly, and a part of me will always, but I wasnt in love with her. She knew what she wanted, a baby and family. I didnt...but that wasnt why I didnt go for her. I dunno..just didnt..
I was honest with her in telling her my feelings. I think she thought that she could change me.. change the way I feel, but I knew it wasnt met to be. She was great though. She was my first real sexual partner, and it was well fun. I think she might have the best breasts I have ever seen.. really...that maybe too blunt.. but its the truth. I told her that if she ever found some body that she wanted to date..to go ahead...I think that broke her heart.. but you know what.. she found somebody.. a great guy named Nick.. her husband.. who she has a beautiful daughter and life with. So some times I know I am making the right decision, even if I didnt it some what deuche...Its warming...knowing that some one loves you completely, but I am looking for that crazy love, I think that I am still looking for that... I do regret breaking her heart.. she didnt deserve that, but God had better plans for her..
The next big saga in my life....was Kiyoka..She was a Japanese exchange student..that was there for one year..I can remember first seeing her...on the grass in front of the international dorm..if I only would have acted faster..things may have been different...I may have been different...It started when I came back from X-mas break of my junior year..after Kelly and I were done...I started slowly getting more and more interested...I actually persued her.. it feels good to persue....the phrase persistance beats resistance is true...I always feel like a good person when I persue...sometimes I get sad because I dont know if I still am that guy...the hopeless romantic...Anyway, back to the story. It started with me just bumping into her in the halls.. then I would eat breakfast at the same long table as her....then...the library..finally I would find myself intentionally running into her. She would study a lot at the library. I would go there just to see her.. pass her love notes...Now she had a boyfriend back in Japan.. but I didnt care..I wanted her...eventually we spent almost all the time together...dinner, talking, movies...it was great...Looking back.. another 3 months..and I think we probably would have been married..lol..at least eventually...but life has other plans..
So in the last month of school.. I was in love with her...but she had to go back to Japan..which broke my heart....that last month.. I was so happy..and her love was pure.. It was the great love too. the kind that you earn..Finally, she had to go back.. I remember our last walk...We both broke down crying...I can still see her face...She called me C.C...and said I had goo goo eyes.. she loved them...I love when she called me C.C. and I hope that my wife does the same..She is the only women who ever has...I remember giving her a last hug..crying...knowing in the back of my head that I would never see her again. I was supposed to go over to Japan for study abroad, but it was either use that money for grad school, or study abroad....I chose grad school. I dont regret the choice though.. Somethings should be left untouched..despite my heartache...life has a way of working out...
I was honest with her in telling her my feelings. I think she thought that she could change me.. change the way I feel, but I knew it wasnt met to be. She was great though. She was my first real sexual partner, and it was well fun. I think she might have the best breasts I have ever seen.. really...that maybe too blunt.. but its the truth. I told her that if she ever found some body that she wanted to date..to go ahead...I think that broke her heart.. but you know what.. she found somebody.. a great guy named Nick.. her husband.. who she has a beautiful daughter and life with. So some times I know I am making the right decision, even if I didnt it some what deuche...Its warming...knowing that some one loves you completely, but I am looking for that crazy love, I think that I am still looking for that... I do regret breaking her heart.. she didnt deserve that, but God had better plans for her..
The next big saga in my life....was Kiyoka..She was a Japanese exchange student..that was there for one year..I can remember first seeing her...on the grass in front of the international dorm..if I only would have acted faster..things may have been different...I may have been different...It started when I came back from X-mas break of my junior year..after Kelly and I were done...I started slowly getting more and more interested...I actually persued her.. it feels good to persue....the phrase persistance beats resistance is true...I always feel like a good person when I persue...sometimes I get sad because I dont know if I still am that guy...the hopeless romantic...Anyway, back to the story. It started with me just bumping into her in the halls.. then I would eat breakfast at the same long table as her....then...the library..finally I would find myself intentionally running into her. She would study a lot at the library. I would go there just to see her.. pass her love notes...Now she had a boyfriend back in Japan.. but I didnt care..I wanted her...eventually we spent almost all the time together...dinner, talking, movies...it was great...Looking back.. another 3 months..and I think we probably would have been married..lol..at least eventually...but life has other plans..
So in the last month of school.. I was in love with her...but she had to go back to Japan..which broke my heart....that last month.. I was so happy..and her love was pure.. It was the great love too. the kind that you earn..Finally, she had to go back.. I remember our last walk...We both broke down crying...I can still see her face...She called me C.C...and said I had goo goo eyes.. she loved them...I love when she called me C.C. and I hope that my wife does the same..She is the only women who ever has...I remember giving her a last hug..crying...knowing in the back of my head that I would never see her again. I was supposed to go over to Japan for study abroad, but it was either use that money for grad school, or study abroad....I chose grad school. I dont regret the choice though.. Somethings should be left untouched..despite my heartache...life has a way of working out...
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Chris A.D.
So like I was saying. I had lost most everything that a person could lose. Its funny, because I was still thinking about this yesterday. My old self died then. Its funny about having an event completely change you. It seems like I was two people, one before everything, and one after. The memories almost seem to blurr, like they belong to some one else. I think my Mom is the same way. The woman she was before, and the woman she became after...I think that if both of us met our old selves before, we would be like wtf.
So my sophmore year slowly churned on. I think the hardest thing was when Carly called me crying one night at 2 am.. in Oct..We had decided to "break up" but it really didnt take anything away. I think she is the type of person that it hits all at once.. and one night, it hit her. Its funny about being helpless like that. Nothing you can do but cry and be pissed at the world. Eventually, though time scabs wounds and people move on. Maybe thats my curse... some of my wounds feel almost like they were inflicted yesterday. I think its because of the way that my mind works..always working...and I remember the most particular of details......part of my OCD I guess.
So soph. I spent a lot of nights alone, drinking.. I would get my homework done on Friday night, just so I could do nothing but cry and drink for the rest of the weekend. My grades, and I believe my mental sharpness were the highest ever. I through myself into school, especially math. I did hang out with Pat/J once in a while..but they were mostly making their own friends, and having their own life. I think sometimes friends view their best friends as rocks. You can go and run away, but you know that they will always be there. I did develop one new friend though. Jessica Butts.
Now I think I really got to know her because she was going out with my best bud Nate. Through out high school I never really saw Nate due to Butts, so I guess it was natural that minus nate we became good friends. It was nice to actually have some one to talk about women with.. Things/feelings that I could really only tell her.. One of her greatest qualities is that she never judged me. I think a lot of women when they talk to me try to prove that they belong at my mental level, which I dont care about...but I think they want to confirm to themselves that they arent dumb..Butts never did that. She just was...herself, which was cool.
Well, as everyone knows, eventually natures laws take over.. and what I perceived as friendship, she wanted more...I suppose if I wasnt a prick and so self involved at the time I would have seen the signs, but I am till this day clueless to women signals. That is why I dont mind directness... at least I know the game plan..lol. One night, a group of us went out, and we all had been drinking, and pat took Butts home. Well, I think butts spilled her guts to pat about how she liked me, and wanted more. Once this message was relayed back to me, I really didnt know how to take it. I could not go out with Butts with all the history she had with Nate. So I called nate and asked if it was kosher. He said he didnt care, but I could tell it hurt him. I think it still may a little bit. Now, I would never consider it, but then..I was still a deuche. So I knew that butts/nates relationship was on-off and complicated.
We kept getting better and better friends, until ultimately. The friendship was at the cross roads of friends or relationship. I remember I would tutor butts with math, and one night she came all dressed up with a low cut shirt. I realized now that tutoring was a cover, much like guys say "you want to come over and watch a movie " is a cover for "come over and make out". Well, the chemistry was high, and there was a lot of moments were we almost kissed, and I could sense that she wanted to. I didnt kiss her, but I think she was hurt, and she asked me why I didnt kiss her, and I told her.....nate..
Even after that, we kept hanging out....until one afternoon..it came crashing down. We started out by talking, then cuddling, then making out, then clothes off. Now I could have had sex with her, but just when I could have....just when I wanted to...I didnt....and I said I couldnt do this...Naturally, she was pissed and partially embarassed...and left...
Before that episode, she told me that her and nate where over for awhile now. Well, come to find out that they werent. She lied to me. That was pretty much the end of our friendship. I dont think that nate knows all the details, but I think he knows enough to hurt him. I never really forgave her for lying to me, and maybe I never forgave myself.
Its one of the shittiest thing that you can do to your best friend. See, nate is probably the only friend I have that if he had a choice to save anyone in the world from a fire....He would choose me..Thats the kind of friend that only few people ever get, but he is mine. Maybe he is the only friend that I know from my group that would choose me over moes, happ, everyone. Not that I am jealous of Moes, but maybe I am. I mean Mike is great, but I am option 1A...its nice to be option 1. If that make sense...
So soph year, was just about over, and I dont remember how it happened, but it did. I met the next women in my life, kelly.
So my sophmore year slowly churned on. I think the hardest thing was when Carly called me crying one night at 2 am.. in Oct..We had decided to "break up" but it really didnt take anything away. I think she is the type of person that it hits all at once.. and one night, it hit her. Its funny about being helpless like that. Nothing you can do but cry and be pissed at the world. Eventually, though time scabs wounds and people move on. Maybe thats my curse... some of my wounds feel almost like they were inflicted yesterday. I think its because of the way that my mind works..always working...and I remember the most particular of details......part of my OCD I guess.
So soph. I spent a lot of nights alone, drinking.. I would get my homework done on Friday night, just so I could do nothing but cry and drink for the rest of the weekend. My grades, and I believe my mental sharpness were the highest ever. I through myself into school, especially math. I did hang out with Pat/J once in a while..but they were mostly making their own friends, and having their own life. I think sometimes friends view their best friends as rocks. You can go and run away, but you know that they will always be there. I did develop one new friend though. Jessica Butts.
Now I think I really got to know her because she was going out with my best bud Nate. Through out high school I never really saw Nate due to Butts, so I guess it was natural that minus nate we became good friends. It was nice to actually have some one to talk about women with.. Things/feelings that I could really only tell her.. One of her greatest qualities is that she never judged me. I think a lot of women when they talk to me try to prove that they belong at my mental level, which I dont care about...but I think they want to confirm to themselves that they arent dumb..Butts never did that. She just was...herself, which was cool.
Well, as everyone knows, eventually natures laws take over.. and what I perceived as friendship, she wanted more...I suppose if I wasnt a prick and so self involved at the time I would have seen the signs, but I am till this day clueless to women signals. That is why I dont mind directness... at least I know the game plan..lol. One night, a group of us went out, and we all had been drinking, and pat took Butts home. Well, I think butts spilled her guts to pat about how she liked me, and wanted more. Once this message was relayed back to me, I really didnt know how to take it. I could not go out with Butts with all the history she had with Nate. So I called nate and asked if it was kosher. He said he didnt care, but I could tell it hurt him. I think it still may a little bit. Now, I would never consider it, but then..I was still a deuche. So I knew that butts/nates relationship was on-off and complicated.
We kept getting better and better friends, until ultimately. The friendship was at the cross roads of friends or relationship. I remember I would tutor butts with math, and one night she came all dressed up with a low cut shirt. I realized now that tutoring was a cover, much like guys say "you want to come over and watch a movie " is a cover for "come over and make out". Well, the chemistry was high, and there was a lot of moments were we almost kissed, and I could sense that she wanted to. I didnt kiss her, but I think she was hurt, and she asked me why I didnt kiss her, and I told her.....nate..
Even after that, we kept hanging out....until one afternoon..it came crashing down. We started out by talking, then cuddling, then making out, then clothes off. Now I could have had sex with her, but just when I could have....just when I wanted to...I didnt....and I said I couldnt do this...Naturally, she was pissed and partially embarassed...and left...
Before that episode, she told me that her and nate where over for awhile now. Well, come to find out that they werent. She lied to me. That was pretty much the end of our friendship. I dont think that nate knows all the details, but I think he knows enough to hurt him. I never really forgave her for lying to me, and maybe I never forgave myself.
Its one of the shittiest thing that you can do to your best friend. See, nate is probably the only friend I have that if he had a choice to save anyone in the world from a fire....He would choose me..Thats the kind of friend that only few people ever get, but he is mine. Maybe he is the only friend that I know from my group that would choose me over moes, happ, everyone. Not that I am jealous of Moes, but maybe I am. I mean Mike is great, but I am option 1A...its nice to be option 1. If that make sense...
So soph year, was just about over, and I dont remember how it happened, but it did. I met the next women in my life, kelly.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Dad
So its funny because I think only Chad reads this blog, and I am not sure if he does anymore.. but he knows more about me maybe than anybody just by reading this...not sure what that means..but back to the story.
So I went home for my dads funeral. My friends were awesome...and people like royalty and harmening really came through. I mean I love those guys, but sometimes you dont know how good of friend they are to you until they show it...because they never say how they feel...but they showed up in fine style. Actually, Jessica Butts who I had some drama with at school was great too. She actually listened to me talking.. you know most people just listen to be able to talk, but not many people just listen because you need it..She was there for me, and dispite what would happen later between us...she really was a great friend then.
Now of course, we had everybody coming from everywhere. People I havent seen in years, and havent seen since. In a way though, its good to know that people still come together. Although I was the forgotten grand child being 11 years younger than the next. So everybody was grown up by the time I really got in the picture. No big family holidays..maybe thats why I would love to have a big family.
I was strong, as I needed to be. The only time I really broke down was when it was only me and my dad.. and I was looking at him.. Knowing that I would never see him again. The hardest thing about it.. and still is.. Its been 7 years...almost a third of my life.. I have spent without him. To know that I will live another 60 years without being able to talk to him or hug him...thats tough on me. He never got to see the man I became. He always thought I would settle for the first woman I slept with, and would most likely have an ordinary life. I hope he is proud of me. Although I think he would want me to be happy, which I do not know if I am to be honest.
I wasnt going to speak.. I didnt know if I could..but I did.. I dont remember what I said. All I know is that it came from my heart. The shitty thing is.. just when my dad and I were really becoming friends and understanding each other...I think we would be best friends now. I really do.. but thats cliche I suppose.
It was the toughest time of my life. The next couple of months I hated the world. My mom would call saying that she wanted to kill herself. Carly would call and cry and say how much she missed me, and I was 19, and all my friends were going to the bar...leaving me alone...I remember laying there not really caring if I woke up.. I was a robot...my classmates were great. Ryan..and physics guys. They wrote me a card.. it was sweet.. It really put things in perspective for me...to be that low...to be inches away from losing everything...it was like dying and being born again. I know that sounds weird but the old chris.. the naive.. boyish..happy chris was gone.. and a shell was all that remained. It went on that way for a while.. and things got worse when my aunt died and our house was finally done after being burned to the ground...Really, I had lost everything...my parents, myself, my love...all I had left is me...
So I went home for my dads funeral. My friends were awesome...and people like royalty and harmening really came through. I mean I love those guys, but sometimes you dont know how good of friend they are to you until they show it...because they never say how they feel...but they showed up in fine style. Actually, Jessica Butts who I had some drama with at school was great too. She actually listened to me talking.. you know most people just listen to be able to talk, but not many people just listen because you need it..She was there for me, and dispite what would happen later between us...she really was a great friend then.
Now of course, we had everybody coming from everywhere. People I havent seen in years, and havent seen since. In a way though, its good to know that people still come together. Although I was the forgotten grand child being 11 years younger than the next. So everybody was grown up by the time I really got in the picture. No big family holidays..maybe thats why I would love to have a big family.
I was strong, as I needed to be. The only time I really broke down was when it was only me and my dad.. and I was looking at him.. Knowing that I would never see him again. The hardest thing about it.. and still is.. Its been 7 years...almost a third of my life.. I have spent without him. To know that I will live another 60 years without being able to talk to him or hug him...thats tough on me. He never got to see the man I became. He always thought I would settle for the first woman I slept with, and would most likely have an ordinary life. I hope he is proud of me. Although I think he would want me to be happy, which I do not know if I am to be honest.
I wasnt going to speak.. I didnt know if I could..but I did.. I dont remember what I said. All I know is that it came from my heart. The shitty thing is.. just when my dad and I were really becoming friends and understanding each other...I think we would be best friends now. I really do.. but thats cliche I suppose.
It was the toughest time of my life. The next couple of months I hated the world. My mom would call saying that she wanted to kill herself. Carly would call and cry and say how much she missed me, and I was 19, and all my friends were going to the bar...leaving me alone...I remember laying there not really caring if I woke up.. I was a robot...my classmates were great. Ryan..and physics guys. They wrote me a card.. it was sweet.. It really put things in perspective for me...to be that low...to be inches away from losing everything...it was like dying and being born again. I know that sounds weird but the old chris.. the naive.. boyish..happy chris was gone.. and a shell was all that remained. It went on that way for a while.. and things got worse when my aunt died and our house was finally done after being burned to the ground...Really, I had lost everything...my parents, myself, my love...all I had left is me...
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Moving On
I remember coming home. I lived in a trance for the first two months...my mind in one place..my heart in another. It was some sort of relief to go back to school..good ole WIU. Starting my soph. year. It was rough. I remember that my Mom would call and yell at me for really no good reason. Just because I think she needed to vent, and its easy to pick on somebody that cant easily fight back...but let me back up...
My dad had been moved to a rehab place in Wheaton IL. I visited him, and now I was getting used to his condition....It was tough..but I was able to separate the old dad vs. the new dad. I remember the nurse asked if I could give him a bath and he said I didnt have to. I remember saying.. "Dad of course I will". He would do the same thing for me in an instant. It was good to talk to him, and just spend time with him. Looking back, I know that my Dad had some brain damage, but he was humbled by God, and his heart was open.. It was the person that I got to see some with old dad, but it was covered by frustration and alcohol. Now that soft, loving person was the only one present, and it was good. I think it was good for my Mom to hear how much my Dad loved her. I think that she still needs that. But I visited him often, and finally went back to school.
Again, school was tough...grinding..but I will never forget the call that I got one morning about 6 am. The day my Father died, presumably from a heart attack...I was sad and glad at the same time. He didnt have to suffer anymore, struggling through life to do basic tasks. I remember I called Moes and asked him if he could pick me up and take me home because I didnt have a car.. He did.. It was a quiet ride home, but I knew he would come get me..That is the type of friend he is, the type of person he is, and why he is the friend that everybody wants, not like me. I am a tough person to know I think, but once you figure out my personality.. I think you understand me. But thats another blog.....
TBC...
My dad had been moved to a rehab place in Wheaton IL. I visited him, and now I was getting used to his condition....It was tough..but I was able to separate the old dad vs. the new dad. I remember the nurse asked if I could give him a bath and he said I didnt have to. I remember saying.. "Dad of course I will". He would do the same thing for me in an instant. It was good to talk to him, and just spend time with him. Looking back, I know that my Dad had some brain damage, but he was humbled by God, and his heart was open.. It was the person that I got to see some with old dad, but it was covered by frustration and alcohol. Now that soft, loving person was the only one present, and it was good. I think it was good for my Mom to hear how much my Dad loved her. I think that she still needs that. But I visited him often, and finally went back to school.
Again, school was tough...grinding..but I will never forget the call that I got one morning about 6 am. The day my Father died, presumably from a heart attack...I was sad and glad at the same time. He didnt have to suffer anymore, struggling through life to do basic tasks. I remember I called Moes and asked him if he could pick me up and take me home because I didnt have a car.. He did.. It was a quiet ride home, but I knew he would come get me..That is the type of friend he is, the type of person he is, and why he is the friend that everybody wants, not like me. I am a tough person to know I think, but once you figure out my personality.. I think you understand me. But thats another blog.....
TBC...
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Story Part duex...duex..
So I worked the rest of that summer..heartbroken. Waking up going to work.. visiting my dad in Mad-town. Talking with AK girl nightly keeping hope that I will see her again. My dad's condition soon stabilized and it soon became clear that he was going to live. I then started saving up money...and I did... Carly and I saved up enough money for me to go back to AK. I was going to go up there for about 3.5 weeks. After much deliberation. I remember my Mom telling me that I didnt deserve to go.. That I shouldn't go..I remember it because I think it was the single cruelest words she has ever said to me. I mean its like telling you.. you dont deserve to eat...
I went though, despite her. I went and I dont regret one day of it. I think it was probably the happiest I have been. I was in love and it was naive young love. The kind that you have that you dont realize the down side of being in love, or being jaded by others....The first love type. I got to spend time with her and her family and really bond. Her family is that great family type. You know the ones that everybody knows everybody, even 3rd cousins. The kind of family that most people are jealous of..that kind. They treated me like one of their own. I will spare you the details of the trip, mostly because they are pristine in my mind and I will keep them to myself. Some things are better left unwritten. I do remember saying goodbye. I remember that I wrote her a letter the night before, and it was soaked in tears. Saying everything that I could. I knew then that I would never see her again, even though to this day I would love to see her again. Not because of feelings but just to know that I left on my own terms and not those dictated by life. I can remember seeing her..hugging her for the last time. I remember it like it was yesterday....
I read her letter for me, almost as soon as we were apart. It was tough but satisfying. See Carly was the type of girl that was like a nut. A tough exterior, but once you get into it.. there is no going back. She would be hesitant to admit her feelings, so when she did it was great. My flight was delayed for hours...and I almost went back to her island for one more night.. but 9 hours later.. I went home...and started a different chapter of my life.
I went though, despite her. I went and I dont regret one day of it. I think it was probably the happiest I have been. I was in love and it was naive young love. The kind that you have that you dont realize the down side of being in love, or being jaded by others....The first love type. I got to spend time with her and her family and really bond. Her family is that great family type. You know the ones that everybody knows everybody, even 3rd cousins. The kind of family that most people are jealous of..that kind. They treated me like one of their own. I will spare you the details of the trip, mostly because they are pristine in my mind and I will keep them to myself. Some things are better left unwritten. I do remember saying goodbye. I remember that I wrote her a letter the night before, and it was soaked in tears. Saying everything that I could. I knew then that I would never see her again, even though to this day I would love to see her again. Not because of feelings but just to know that I left on my own terms and not those dictated by life. I can remember seeing her..hugging her for the last time. I remember it like it was yesterday....
I read her letter for me, almost as soon as we were apart. It was tough but satisfying. See Carly was the type of girl that was like a nut. A tough exterior, but once you get into it.. there is no going back. She would be hesitant to admit her feelings, so when she did it was great. My flight was delayed for hours...and I almost went back to her island for one more night.. but 9 hours later.. I went home...and started a different chapter of my life.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
The story..cont'd
So the last time that I wrote about the story that was my life. I was coming back on a plane..to see if my father was going to make it...
I am remember being out of it at the airports, especially Seattle. When I look back it seems like slow motion.. One moment sticks out, when I lost it on a plane..luckily it was dark.. and I think it has been the only time in my life where I completely just broke down..like Pete sampras at the U.S. Open. I remember because they were playing the movie the "Time Machine" starring Guy Pierce. I remember that I looked directly at an English woman who was wearing an eye cover to sleep. She looked at me bawling, and then went directly back to sleep. I think that was a moment that I realized humanity is full of all sorts of people, even the un-compassionite. Before that moment, I think I was still a dumb, optimistic kid...that thought the world was full of sunshine and love..or at least that is how I thought I could make my world..but back to the story.
So I got off the plane, and was briefly greeted by my family...nothing more than a polite hug, and we drove directly to the hospital.. a long 1.5 hours to Madison. I can remember seeing my dad for the first time.. it was probably the hardest thing and humblest moment of my life. A monster of a man reduced to tubes, hoses, machines, and that hospital smell. I knew right then, that this was for real, and my "Dad" was gone forever...at least the one that I knew. The hardest thing was that he started crying when he saw me.. which almost brings me to tears as I write it. He cried because he knew how much Alaska meant to me.. How much I wanted it.. like I had wanted nothing before or since. He told them not to bring me back, and yet they did anyway...it was..it is one of the greatest signs of true love that I have ever been shown. Its a hell of a thing to see true compassion..especially from your Father.
The next of that summer where tough. My mother spent most of the days falling apart at the hospital...trying to find herself and be there for my dad. I went back to work..and took care of my sister. My step-brother Cory was there for a while.. to "help". My days consisted of going to work at 5 and coming home at 5, and going to see my Dad 3-4 times a week. Paying bills, groceries, etc...and trying to hold it together. See my Mother stopped being a Mom then. Maybe its being selfish..some might say...but she never asked how me or my sister was doing..never consoled us...never asked...she was just worried mostly about herself..which I do see.. I remember her saying that she would have to take care of dad the right of his life. I think, I guess I know that she was so sheltered.. so protected..that the fact of everything changing scared the shit out of her, and I dont think that she could handle it all. Some people under duress can only handle so much before shutting down. I think maybe she had to die to be born again..a different woman..but my mother was never the same.. and our relationship has never been the same. In my opinion, a mother should always look to help her children, not look to herself first. I always disagreed with that. She will tell you differently...but I remember holding my sister crying..tell her that mom does care, and everything will be alright...it wouldnt though...in some ways my life will never be alright..
I am remember being out of it at the airports, especially Seattle. When I look back it seems like slow motion.. One moment sticks out, when I lost it on a plane..luckily it was dark.. and I think it has been the only time in my life where I completely just broke down..like Pete sampras at the U.S. Open. I remember because they were playing the movie the "Time Machine" starring Guy Pierce. I remember that I looked directly at an English woman who was wearing an eye cover to sleep. She looked at me bawling, and then went directly back to sleep. I think that was a moment that I realized humanity is full of all sorts of people, even the un-compassionite. Before that moment, I think I was still a dumb, optimistic kid...that thought the world was full of sunshine and love..or at least that is how I thought I could make my world..but back to the story.
So I got off the plane, and was briefly greeted by my family...nothing more than a polite hug, and we drove directly to the hospital.. a long 1.5 hours to Madison. I can remember seeing my dad for the first time.. it was probably the hardest thing and humblest moment of my life. A monster of a man reduced to tubes, hoses, machines, and that hospital smell. I knew right then, that this was for real, and my "Dad" was gone forever...at least the one that I knew. The hardest thing was that he started crying when he saw me.. which almost brings me to tears as I write it. He cried because he knew how much Alaska meant to me.. How much I wanted it.. like I had wanted nothing before or since. He told them not to bring me back, and yet they did anyway...it was..it is one of the greatest signs of true love that I have ever been shown. Its a hell of a thing to see true compassion..especially from your Father.
The next of that summer where tough. My mother spent most of the days falling apart at the hospital...trying to find herself and be there for my dad. I went back to work..and took care of my sister. My step-brother Cory was there for a while.. to "help". My days consisted of going to work at 5 and coming home at 5, and going to see my Dad 3-4 times a week. Paying bills, groceries, etc...and trying to hold it together. See my Mother stopped being a Mom then. Maybe its being selfish..some might say...but she never asked how me or my sister was doing..never consoled us...never asked...she was just worried mostly about herself..which I do see.. I remember her saying that she would have to take care of dad the right of his life. I think, I guess I know that she was so sheltered.. so protected..that the fact of everything changing scared the shit out of her, and I dont think that she could handle it all. Some people under duress can only handle so much before shutting down. I think maybe she had to die to be born again..a different woman..but my mother was never the same.. and our relationship has never been the same. In my opinion, a mother should always look to help her children, not look to herself first. I always disagreed with that. She will tell you differently...but I remember holding my sister crying..tell her that mom does care, and everything will be alright...it wouldnt though...in some ways my life will never be alright..
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Average
Hello,
So I have been in a rut lately...again. but I have a plan to bust out of it. I have ballooned in weight although my bf is 14%.. it used to be 11%. I have hired a personal trainer to get me to where I want to be, and maybe coach me up a little. This is Day 2. I need to take it day by day.. persistence beats resistance.
My car also broke and I had to spend 1600 to fix it. Money that I want to pay my car off with, but now..nothing. I am constantly getting pulled back. I hope things change soon. I thought this where looking up, but the girl i was seeing.. seems not to be interested. I mean she doesnt really call, or write, or electronic media.. which is fine... she called me the heart throb from hell...maybe she meant it.
I just got to keep my head up and keep going. No more dicking around. No more eating at night, and running 10 miles.. just normal.. at least for me. which is working out every day and running 4. I did find out I am beating myself. I run on empty stomach and have a severe calorie deficiency which keeps me from constructing muscle, and keeps me lean, but when I have carbs.. my body absorbs them, and repeat cycle.. bloating.. weight gain etc. I hope things get better.
Anyway, I have to go to a bs meeting now.
Chris
So I have been in a rut lately...again. but I have a plan to bust out of it. I have ballooned in weight although my bf is 14%.. it used to be 11%. I have hired a personal trainer to get me to where I want to be, and maybe coach me up a little. This is Day 2. I need to take it day by day.. persistence beats resistance.
My car also broke and I had to spend 1600 to fix it. Money that I want to pay my car off with, but now..nothing. I am constantly getting pulled back. I hope things change soon. I thought this where looking up, but the girl i was seeing.. seems not to be interested. I mean she doesnt really call, or write, or electronic media.. which is fine... she called me the heart throb from hell...maybe she meant it.
I just got to keep my head up and keep going. No more dicking around. No more eating at night, and running 10 miles.. just normal.. at least for me. which is working out every day and running 4. I did find out I am beating myself. I run on empty stomach and have a severe calorie deficiency which keeps me from constructing muscle, and keeps me lean, but when I have carbs.. my body absorbs them, and repeat cycle.. bloating.. weight gain etc. I hope things get better.
Anyway, I have to go to a bs meeting now.
Chris
Sunday, June 21, 2009
40 days
So...the facts.. I am 26..forever single..and forever.. trying to push my body a little harder..I hope during these next 40 days..to really change my body and more importantly my mind. Sure, I am been "skinny" but never quite happy..now I have to push myself...stick to my diet..and push away my fears.
Work...is good..but its bs.. I mean what I do isnt really important. If it is..its only for a week or so. I want to be better at it.. try to be a "team" player.. I just need to do a little better. I am pretty happy here.
Socially, I struggle. I really try to connect, and make new friends. I think that I should disconnect from those that dont show interest, and try with those that do.
Woman.. again.. try, but nothing.. really frustrating.. not sure..I just have to work the plan..if I get cravings.. work the plan..I must..26 and I have a moral low pt. eating my way through 2 pizzas this weekend..which I havent done since the first bush admin.lol. I was going to get my ear pierced..but I like the one.. next is a tattoo..altough the one I want is 1k.. little pricey..just need help.. if you read this you need to help me..morally..or with a hot single lass..lol
Work...is good..but its bs.. I mean what I do isnt really important. If it is..its only for a week or so. I want to be better at it.. try to be a "team" player.. I just need to do a little better. I am pretty happy here.
Socially, I struggle. I really try to connect, and make new friends. I think that I should disconnect from those that dont show interest, and try with those that do.
Woman.. again.. try, but nothing.. really frustrating.. not sure..I just have to work the plan..if I get cravings.. work the plan..I must..26 and I have a moral low pt. eating my way through 2 pizzas this weekend..which I havent done since the first bush admin.lol. I was going to get my ear pierced..but I like the one.. next is a tattoo..altough the one I want is 1k.. little pricey..just need help.. if you read this you need to help me..morally..or with a hot single lass..lol
Sunday, February 22, 2009
RIP CAMERA
Hi,
So it has been a while since I wrote, and I guess that doesnt mean much because I dont think this blog is as popular as dear abby. Updates..working..a lot. I was rated #1 engineer in my dept. but I dont think that really comes with much more than a few % raise. My 90 day improvement plan got a little off track working 80 hours the last few weeks, but I am starting it up again tomorrow. I am in the job market for a position at Bradley, which wouldnt be bad. I dont know if I would take it or not.
I started seeing a lass....the nurse...It is very hard to read her thoughts about me. So far this is what I gathered:
1) She thinks that I am a nice guy and may confuse that will not being confident.
2) She is used to being burned in relationships, or having them go bad. So she has a tough exterior, but I can tell she has a good heart that is hoping to meet her prince before its too late. All woman have an arbitruary deadline in their mind...I wonder what hears is: 34 I think.
3) It makes me think if she will really open up, especially since she doesnt know me. She dates her friends because they are safe for her I think...we shall see..
4) she did look great in that dress...I thought I might get round first..but instead I was thrown out...lol...
5) I am getting a read on her..its just a matter of getting comfortable...we shall see...
Jamming to jackson browne...thats all for now.
So it has been a while since I wrote, and I guess that doesnt mean much because I dont think this blog is as popular as dear abby. Updates..working..a lot. I was rated #1 engineer in my dept. but I dont think that really comes with much more than a few % raise. My 90 day improvement plan got a little off track working 80 hours the last few weeks, but I am starting it up again tomorrow. I am in the job market for a position at Bradley, which wouldnt be bad. I dont know if I would take it or not.
I started seeing a lass....the nurse...It is very hard to read her thoughts about me. So far this is what I gathered:
1) She thinks that I am a nice guy and may confuse that will not being confident.
2) She is used to being burned in relationships, or having them go bad. So she has a tough exterior, but I can tell she has a good heart that is hoping to meet her prince before its too late. All woman have an arbitruary deadline in their mind...I wonder what hears is: 34 I think.
3) It makes me think if she will really open up, especially since she doesnt know me. She dates her friends because they are safe for her I think...we shall see..
4) she did look great in that dress...I thought I might get round first..but instead I was thrown out...lol...
5) I am getting a read on her..its just a matter of getting comfortable...we shall see...
Jamming to jackson browne...thats all for now.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Life and Such
Well, Its been a while since I wrote, but I was feeling frustrated today. First, its the first day back to work. I think I am tired of this job.. maybe I know that I am tired of this job. I am trying to stay optimistic, but cmon it is nothing special. Although I am trying to stay optimistic. Have to stay optimistic. I thought 2009 was going to be a good year, but so far its sucked. I spent new years not doing much, and my first date in a while was going pretty well, then I am not sure how it ended. I cant get a read on this girl.. I think she maybe excited about me, but then I also think she might not be. She seems cool and is cute (more than cute) insert comment, but I am me and that limits me sometimes. I thought I was being myself, but why are there ackward pauses.. I think its the attraction, I think attraction can take away from conversation. I mean Jerry said it best when he "was all ackward pauses" its true, you cant exactly make a move while discussing Abortion. I hope that this year will do me good. I need good things to happen. I am really proud of myself for many different reasons, but I fear that I will wake up and be thirty one day, and wonder what I am doing with my life. I just want to travel, have a cool and hot gf, and kids sooner or later. I will keep you posted. Its funny because I have so much confidence in myself, but yet I try to be vunerable. Maybe I should have my sports attitude of being a competitive somewhat ass all the time. We shall see.. Thats all for now.
Chris
Chris
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