Chris A.D.

So like I was saying. I had lost most everything that a person could lose. Its funny, because I was still thinking about this yesterday. My old self died then. Its funny about having an event completely change you. It seems like I was two people, one before everything, and one after. The memories almost seem to blurr, like they belong to some one else. I think my Mom is the same way. The woman she was before, and the woman she became after...I think that if both of us met our old selves before, we would be like wtf.
So my sophmore year slowly churned on. I think the hardest thing was when Carly called me crying one night at 2 am.. in Oct..We had decided to "break up" but it really didnt take anything away. I think she is the type of person that it hits all at once.. and one night, it hit her. Its funny about being helpless like that. Nothing you can do but cry and be pissed at the world. Eventually, though time scabs wounds and people move on. Maybe thats my curse... some of my wounds feel almost like they were inflicted yesterday. I think its because of the way that my mind works..always working...and I remember the most particular of details......part of my OCD I guess.
So soph. I spent a lot of nights alone, drinking.. I would get my homework done on Friday night, just so I could do nothing but cry and drink for the rest of the weekend. My grades, and I believe my mental sharpness were the highest ever. I through myself into school, especially math. I did hang out with Pat/J once in a while..but they were mostly making their own friends, and having their own life. I think sometimes friends view their best friends as rocks. You can go and run away, but you know that they will always be there. I did develop one new friend though. Jessica Butts.
Now I think I really got to know her because she was going out with my best bud Nate. Through out high school I never really saw Nate due to Butts, so I guess it was natural that minus nate we became good friends. It was nice to actually have some one to talk about women with.. Things/feelings that I could really only tell her.. One of her greatest qualities is that she never judged me. I think a lot of women when they talk to me try to prove that they belong at my mental level, which I dont care about...but I think they want to confirm to themselves that they arent dumb..Butts never did that. She just was...herself, which was cool.
Well, as everyone knows, eventually natures laws take over.. and what I perceived as friendship, she wanted more...I suppose if I wasnt a prick and so self involved at the time I would have seen the signs, but I am till this day clueless to women signals. That is why I dont mind directness... at least I know the game plan..lol. One night, a group of us went out, and we all had been drinking, and pat took Butts home. Well, I think butts spilled her guts to pat about how she liked me, and wanted more. Once this message was relayed back to me, I really didnt know how to take it. I could not go out with Butts with all the history she had with Nate. So I called nate and asked if it was kosher. He said he didnt care, but I could tell it hurt him. I think it still may a little bit. Now, I would never consider it, but then..I was still a deuche. So I knew that butts/nates relationship was on-off and complicated.
We kept getting better and better friends, until ultimately. The friendship was at the cross roads of friends or relationship. I remember I would tutor butts with math, and one night she came all dressed up with a low cut shirt. I realized now that tutoring was a cover, much like guys say "you want to come over and watch a movie " is a cover for "come over and make out". Well, the chemistry was high, and there was a lot of moments were we almost kissed, and I could sense that she wanted to. I didnt kiss her, but I think she was hurt, and she asked me why I didnt kiss her, and I told her.....nate..
Even after that, we kept hanging out....until one afternoon..it came crashing down. We started out by talking, then cuddling, then making out, then clothes off. Now I could have had sex with her, but just when I could have....just when I wanted to...I didnt....and I said I couldnt do this...Naturally, she was pissed and partially embarassed...and left...
Before that episode, she told me that her and nate where over for awhile now. Well, come to find out that they werent. She lied to me. That was pretty much the end of our friendship. I dont think that nate knows all the details, but I think he knows enough to hurt him. I never really forgave her for lying to me, and maybe I never forgave myself.
Its one of the shittiest thing that you can do to your best friend. See, nate is probably the only friend I have that if he had a choice to save anyone in the world from a fire....He would choose me..Thats the kind of friend that only few people ever get, but he is mine. Maybe he is the only friend that I know from my group that would choose me over moes, happ, everyone. Not that I am jealous of Moes, but maybe I am. I mean Mike is great, but I am option 1A...its nice to be option 1. If that make sense...
So soph year, was just about over, and I dont remember how it happened, but it did. I met the next women in my life, kelly.