So I am here at work wondering what the heck I should be expecting out of life. It seems that I am just wasting away, there has to be more than life than this. Do I really want to waste my 20's in a divorced, industrial, capital of the world.....not really. I am just fed up. Things seem never really to go anywhere. I think that I need a break, my big break. I am getting excited about football and baseball playoffs, but I am pretty sure that there are no single, undivorced, no kids, attractive woman in my particular postal district. I am starting to think that I should be home (closer) to people that care about me. Not that I havent made friends here, but its not the same. I dont know if I want to move home, maybe just some place new. I joined match.com..yeah that website is bullshit. I email seemingly interested woman, and nothing but ben and jerrys for me. Which brings me to another frustration about my life.. constant battle between eating, working out, running, etc. I shouldn't have to live my life eating good protein, no carbs, running, lifting...just blah.. my fav. day is sat. because I get to have oatmeal, and a few beers. I dunno.. I went and saw a plastic surgeon and he said that I just have loose skin from being so heavy when I was younger and being in good shape now.. it still sucks.. I wish that I could have the body that I have worked hard for. Its like I have to choose to be a twig, or have muscle and be 20 pds heavier than I want.. no in between.
Work is work, and I am starting to get bored with it. No one really takes a vested interest in my progress or growth, and I have actually started to think about getting my mba, so I can run a company into the ground one day. If I had one wish it would be to get a 100k so that I could not have to worry about school debt, and I would be drinking baileys and cream on some beach, but alas.. I sit in a damp, cold office...yes..
p.s. Kate got married..not sure how I feel about that.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Life
I have been trying to do a lot of soul searching lately. Finding out what I want out of life. I know that MS is not where I want to be. Really, it has nothing to offer, but I make money so I am here. Again, I am frustrated with my diet. I keep doing well and then not doing well and I am not sure why. My diet is steady, and I am working out a lot. I just am blah. I need a change. Sometimes I think about picking up and leaving but I do not know if that will happen. I wish I could just lose weight, and not have to worry. I am tired..just tired
Monday, September 8, 2008
Arrival
Where was I. awww. yes.. the arrival. I can remember getting off the ferry, and seeing her Mom for the first time. I think at first she was a little apprehensive with everything, which is understandable, but her warm heart soon would not let her be cold for too long. I loved her native accent, I can still hear her voice in my head, and it makes me smile. Well, we jumped into the jeep and went towards their home, about a 40 min. trip. During this ride, little awkward, long-story short it was a reiteration of the house rules (refer to last blog).
We finally made it to the house, and this place was awesome. A big ole house whose view overlooked a little outlet. Here they canoed, fished, and set traps for crab etc. Not much as far as grass but breathtaking to see fish out of your window in the morning. Just thinking about it makes me miss it. Generally, the weather is mild (50-60's, rainy). I remember when it reached 80 one day, everyone acted like it was unbelievable and busted out the sun tan lotion. I can say that when it did reach these extreme temperatures the AK can not be matched as far as beauty, but back to the story.
I think I won June's heart when I unwrapped my longed spoiled produce that I had brought for them. She smiled at the gesture, even though they could not enjoy it. I must now comment on her family. Her family had been there ever since the town began. A main street in Craig was named after her grandfather, which was in it self cool. So she had a whole bunch of uncles/aunts/cousins, etc. in the town, and what was really cool is that they were all close. A very close knit, loving family...unlike mine. It made me want a big ole family.. there was just so much love from the Grandparents on down, and they all welcomed me like I had been there all along. I believe it started with Carly's grandparents, they were the most amazing, genuinely nice people that I have ever met. They even offered me sea weed, a delight that I would not accept again..lol To give you some idea of how these genuine these people were, they asked about me years afterwards, long after most people forget, or don't care.
That brings me to Carly's Dad, Boomer. This guy reminded me of Bam Bam Bingalo, the former wrestler, which was ironic because he called me muscle beach..lol. He was very rugged, which I guess complimented June's calm demeanor well. Anyway, he was very strict at first, but later I believed he liked having a male in the house because he lived with 4 woman (Carly, June, Cammie, and Jill). It was like having a son that he never had, at least a male companion..lol.. Anyway, not feeling well right now.. write more later.
We finally made it to the house, and this place was awesome. A big ole house whose view overlooked a little outlet. Here they canoed, fished, and set traps for crab etc. Not much as far as grass but breathtaking to see fish out of your window in the morning. Just thinking about it makes me miss it. Generally, the weather is mild (50-60's, rainy). I remember when it reached 80 one day, everyone acted like it was unbelievable and busted out the sun tan lotion. I can say that when it did reach these extreme temperatures the AK can not be matched as far as beauty, but back to the story.
I think I won June's heart when I unwrapped my longed spoiled produce that I had brought for them. She smiled at the gesture, even though they could not enjoy it. I must now comment on her family. Her family had been there ever since the town began. A main street in Craig was named after her grandfather, which was in it self cool. So she had a whole bunch of uncles/aunts/cousins, etc. in the town, and what was really cool is that they were all close. A very close knit, loving family...unlike mine. It made me want a big ole family.. there was just so much love from the Grandparents on down, and they all welcomed me like I had been there all along. I believe it started with Carly's grandparents, they were the most amazing, genuinely nice people that I have ever met. They even offered me sea weed, a delight that I would not accept again..lol To give you some idea of how these genuine these people were, they asked about me years afterwards, long after most people forget, or don't care.
That brings me to Carly's Dad, Boomer. This guy reminded me of Bam Bam Bingalo, the former wrestler, which was ironic because he called me muscle beach..lol. He was very rugged, which I guess complimented June's calm demeanor well. Anyway, he was very strict at first, but later I believed he liked having a male in the house because he lived with 4 woman (Carly, June, Cammie, and Jill). It was like having a son that he never had, at least a male companion..lol.. Anyway, not feeling well right now.. write more later.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Workin...Out
So, I am getting a bit frustrated with my life. I have been down here for a year now, and I feel like I have accomplished a lot. I can only think of a couple things left to do: 1) paint ball 2) horse back riding 3) volunteer more (I have signed up for some different organizations). Other than that, I cant really think of anything more. Who wants to paintball when its 89 out though. Additionally, I have been working out and eating right, but yet I still am about the same. I seem to flex between 155-165, and I cant break it. I really have been doing great on the workouts, and eating plan. Having 5 meals a day. 2 protein shakes (1 scoop, soy milk and water), and 3 lean protein lots of veggie meals. I dunno. I don't want to go back to doing 2 hours of cardio a day, plus lifting, plus only eating 3 meals a day to get to where i want to be. The good news is a lot of people have comment how much I bulked up. I guess when I slip on my 30 or 32 jeans I remember being a 28 and wonder if I can ever go back there. That was 3 months of hardcore training and it took a mental and physical toll. 3 hours of working out is hard, everyday. I know that carbs are my devil...I have to limit them. I think maybe 150-170 is just my limits. I wish I could break that though. I really wish I could be normal and not have to worry about whether a piece of pizza is going to make my ass jiggle, but instead I grab the veggie burgers with 12 oz of green beans. ah well. its my curse for being chunky when I was young. I still need to battle, everyday is a battle..that I cant afford to lose. Anyway, I just had to vent a little. Football is coming on so I am out.
p.s. I love fall. I just wish it was under 95 with the heat index.
Jurs
p.s. I love fall. I just wish it was under 95 with the heat index.
Jurs
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Part Deux
As I continue from yesterday..where was I.. ah yes, the plane ride. So I can remember landing in Ketchikan, and how excited I was. Knowing that the past 10 months had come down to these precious few minutes, and that she was feet away and not miles. I can remember the unfortunate smell of the spoiled produce that I mentioned earlier, and wondered..only me. Anyway, I remember walking down the ramp and looking through the glass, searching for her, until finally I saw her. I can remember it like it was yesterday, it is like a lightning bolt in my mind. I remember the first few awkward moments, followed by the giant hug, and both of us could not stop smiling. I couldn't help remember a few things: 1) I was glad I changed my shirt (to my A-team of course) 2) how I loved her hair 3) how short she was 5'1". I remember getting my luggage and my first breath of Ak air. It was cold 56 I believe, but being around her I could have been in the arctic circle and not cared. We took a ferry to the other side to grab and cab. I can remember looking at her the whole time, I can still remember the way she looked at me. My first experience on what "that look" changes everything, it changes your soul. Well, we took the taxi to her uncles place where we stayed the night. She barely knew these people, but they were nice, and even better went to bed early. They had an awesome house though, right on the water. I remember watching the sunset, and the sunrise.
Oh oh I almost forgot... the first date. We didn't take a taxi directly home, we went to the movies first, and just my luck we where the only ones there. We saw that lame movie with Ben Affleck and Samuel L. Jackson...well this was the sight on our first kiss. Of course, I was terribly nervous, and did not have that much experience with kissing. So my first one was a sloppy wet mess, that would have been awful if not masked by the excitement of it all. However, I got better in a hurry, and by the time we reached her Uncles and Aunts...I was well versed.
Now like I said, her uncle/aunt went to bed at about 9 and that left us alone for the rest of the night. We talked, cuddled, and talked some more. Then we took this up a notch. Lets just say.. in baseball terms 3rd base, which I was completely just psyched for. Hey, it was my first time seeing a girl naked, at least one in real life. The thing that I remember most though is when I heard her say it for the first time: Chris, I love you. I can remember it because she was standing in the bathroom brushing her hair after one of our "episodes" and she turned to me and said it. It still makes my heart stop for a half a second to think about it. I think it meant so much because I know that she meant it, and did not just say it, which happens at that age. I can remember holding her until the sun came up, and then scurrying away when her aunt/uncle woke in the morning. We got about 2 hours a sleep, but I didn't care.
After breakfast we caught the ferry to Craig, a 3 hour ride that was awesome. It twisted and turned through mountains and passageways. Majestic, and I spent the whole time holding her in my arms watching the pure beauty of it all pass by. I absorbed and cherished every moment of it. Soon we arrived at the dock, where her Mom June May (awesome) was waiting.
Oh oh I almost forgot... the first date. We didn't take a taxi directly home, we went to the movies first, and just my luck we where the only ones there. We saw that lame movie with Ben Affleck and Samuel L. Jackson...well this was the sight on our first kiss. Of course, I was terribly nervous, and did not have that much experience with kissing. So my first one was a sloppy wet mess, that would have been awful if not masked by the excitement of it all. However, I got better in a hurry, and by the time we reached her Uncles and Aunts...I was well versed.
Now like I said, her uncle/aunt went to bed at about 9 and that left us alone for the rest of the night. We talked, cuddled, and talked some more. Then we took this up a notch. Lets just say.. in baseball terms 3rd base, which I was completely just psyched for. Hey, it was my first time seeing a girl naked, at least one in real life. The thing that I remember most though is when I heard her say it for the first time: Chris, I love you. I can remember it because she was standing in the bathroom brushing her hair after one of our "episodes" and she turned to me and said it. It still makes my heart stop for a half a second to think about it. I think it meant so much because I know that she meant it, and did not just say it, which happens at that age. I can remember holding her until the sun came up, and then scurrying away when her aunt/uncle woke in the morning. We got about 2 hours a sleep, but I didn't care.
After breakfast we caught the ferry to Craig, a 3 hour ride that was awesome. It twisted and turned through mountains and passageways. Majestic, and I spent the whole time holding her in my arms watching the pure beauty of it all pass by. I absorbed and cherished every moment of it. Soon we arrived at the dock, where her Mom June May (awesome) was waiting.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
The beginning
Post 2
I am at work now after Gustav, and I am not sure why I am here. There is nothing going on and I cant stand being idle so I thought I would write some. Diet is going well so far. My whole life is one big diet, but I am trying to limit my carbs. However, I wanted to write down my first sad story, or love story. That way I know that at least it is out there, and down somewhere. Its long, its sad, but its my life.
It all began when i was coming home from college one Oct. I was on the computer and chatting on what is the prevision of AIM called ICQ. Now I was about chatting it up with anybody, and since I was shy it was a good place that I could spark a conversation with girls without having the undue pressure of facing them. Classy I know, but hey I was 260+ and losing, but back to the story. So my "friend" Jer gave me his contact list that had a particular contact in it: C4r$y, later to be nick named by me as Alaska girl. So I of course I started chatting with her, not being myself, but a guy from Hawaii. I mean I had to compete with Alaska..its hard to do. Additionally, I told her of my woman conquests, and partying, neither of which were true, but hey its the Internet, at least my Internet representative could be cool. Well, some how she wanted to talk to me again, and again, and again. Then came the phone call.
I can remember hearing her voice for the first time, and how nervous I was. I must mentioned that she was 2 years younger than me I being 18 going on 19 she being 17, which if we lived in a toothless state might be a problem. The conversations at first where your typical: " Whats up" followed by the normal questions...whats this like, hobbies, etc. The great thing was we talked about everything. I ran through phone cards like they were free, and I never stopped talking to her for that whole weekend or the next year + afterwards. The weird thing about talking to someone you never have seen for that long, you become best friends with them, but not in the usually way. Its very emotional, its all emotional especially since that is all you have.
Being naive, young, and just a nice guy my affection eventually turned into a love-ESE feeling, and it took her a bit longer, but she was one of those doesn't fall but when does falls hard type people. I can remember when I knew that she really cared. She was away on a volleyball trip (side note: in Alaska they fly from game to game and stay in the opposing teams houses--awesome), and she was having a bad night, and called me crying. I think I talked to her for like 8 hours straight, we laughed, she cried, then we cried...and I can remember hanging out the phone knowing that all I wanted to do was be with her, right then. and how that made me feel. Well, eventually the word of my AK love spread, and was somewhat a joke but somewhat cool. I guess its hard to hide when you spend most of your freshman year attached to a phone. Of course, I did have some interested local girls (Toni), but although I thought she was great, I couldn't even compare her to AK girl. I must confess, my best quality is being able to read woman once I get to know them. Its in the eyes I think. I can tell a woman's heart by looking in her eyes (a trait that has saved me a few times).
Things grew, and we got web cams to view each other. I talked to her family, and her my Dad. Then bam..wham... an idea..contact. The first try was spring break, and when the idea was mentioned it was like an earthquake and we pushed so hard, the one pit fall my dad. God Bless him, I know that he was worried that I would go up there and never come back (ironic-you will see later). See I was always the one foot out of the door type kid. Knowing that I needed a fresh start to find myself, and hence why I talk to you from MS and not IL. I just never got the chance to be Chris--alone. I was always carrying other people, or being the side kick to my friends (which are the best guys you can know). Anyway, for weeks there was a series of calls between parents, us, us-parents, combinations. Finally, my Dad called me up and was like "Chris, I know that you really want to go, but I don't want you to get stuck up there if the weather goes bad (thinking that all AK weather is like the Arctic circle), and I think you should wait for the summer. Of course, at first I was pissed and self righteous that I deserved it etc., but then understanding. He told me that if I waited until summer he would buy the ticket for me to go for my birthday. I agreed, and he did. I can remember holding it for the first time: Chi-Seattle-Ketchican Ak, then a 3 hour ferry to Craig. She would meet me in Ketch. (FYI-a real popular tourist stop for cruise ships). The weeks before where filled with excitement, bliss, nervousness, apprehension, etc. Until finally the night before came.
I can remember that night like it was yesterday. It was a night that changed my life forever. My Dad sat me down, and gave me the be careful, be gentleman, be nice etc. speech..use rubbers, etc., but the lasting comment was "Manny, (he called me that sometimes), just be yourself, and she will love you. That sentence still brings tears to my eyes, and is etched in my memory like a stone. Unfortunately, also that night he left for Wisconsin to our cabin instead of taking me to the airport the next day. A decision that would also change my life forever.
The next day I was ready, triple checking things, calling Carly to see if everything was still on. Her parents where awesome, they had "house rules" which meant that Carly and I couldn't be in the same room alone, but trust me those where not enforced. They even helped us pay for the trip, and in return I brought some Midwest produce. Unfortunately, let me save you the suspense. Produce does not respond well to 12 hours of travel, but back to the story. Now I can remember the phone ringing and me picking up. "Is Kathy Jurs there?" said the Madison Hospital nurse-she wasn't so I was left with the message, please call her back. Anyway, the details even to us where not very clear and so my Mom decided to go to Madison being only 2 hours away to see what was going on. We thought that my Dad got banged up a little in a minor car accident..mistake.. Anyway, I got a ride to the airport with a family friend. I can remember the ride...I can remember checking in..I remember landing in Seattle....and that is what our story ends..for now..
I am at work now after Gustav, and I am not sure why I am here. There is nothing going on and I cant stand being idle so I thought I would write some. Diet is going well so far. My whole life is one big diet, but I am trying to limit my carbs. However, I wanted to write down my first sad story, or love story. That way I know that at least it is out there, and down somewhere. Its long, its sad, but its my life.
It all began when i was coming home from college one Oct. I was on the computer and chatting on what is the prevision of AIM called ICQ. Now I was about chatting it up with anybody, and since I was shy it was a good place that I could spark a conversation with girls without having the undue pressure of facing them. Classy I know, but hey I was 260+ and losing, but back to the story. So my "friend" Jer gave me his contact list that had a particular contact in it: C4r$y, later to be nick named by me as Alaska girl. So I of course I started chatting with her, not being myself, but a guy from Hawaii. I mean I had to compete with Alaska..its hard to do. Additionally, I told her of my woman conquests, and partying, neither of which were true, but hey its the Internet, at least my Internet representative could be cool. Well, some how she wanted to talk to me again, and again, and again. Then came the phone call.
I can remember hearing her voice for the first time, and how nervous I was. I must mentioned that she was 2 years younger than me I being 18 going on 19 she being 17, which if we lived in a toothless state might be a problem. The conversations at first where your typical: " Whats up" followed by the normal questions...whats this like, hobbies, etc. The great thing was we talked about everything. I ran through phone cards like they were free, and I never stopped talking to her for that whole weekend or the next year + afterwards. The weird thing about talking to someone you never have seen for that long, you become best friends with them, but not in the usually way. Its very emotional, its all emotional especially since that is all you have.
Being naive, young, and just a nice guy my affection eventually turned into a love-ESE feeling, and it took her a bit longer, but she was one of those doesn't fall but when does falls hard type people. I can remember when I knew that she really cared. She was away on a volleyball trip (side note: in Alaska they fly from game to game and stay in the opposing teams houses--awesome), and she was having a bad night, and called me crying. I think I talked to her for like 8 hours straight, we laughed, she cried, then we cried...and I can remember hanging out the phone knowing that all I wanted to do was be with her, right then. and how that made me feel. Well, eventually the word of my AK love spread, and was somewhat a joke but somewhat cool. I guess its hard to hide when you spend most of your freshman year attached to a phone. Of course, I did have some interested local girls (Toni), but although I thought she was great, I couldn't even compare her to AK girl. I must confess, my best quality is being able to read woman once I get to know them. Its in the eyes I think. I can tell a woman's heart by looking in her eyes (a trait that has saved me a few times).
Things grew, and we got web cams to view each other. I talked to her family, and her my Dad. Then bam..wham... an idea..contact. The first try was spring break, and when the idea was mentioned it was like an earthquake and we pushed so hard, the one pit fall my dad. God Bless him, I know that he was worried that I would go up there and never come back (ironic-you will see later). See I was always the one foot out of the door type kid. Knowing that I needed a fresh start to find myself, and hence why I talk to you from MS and not IL. I just never got the chance to be Chris--alone. I was always carrying other people, or being the side kick to my friends (which are the best guys you can know). Anyway, for weeks there was a series of calls between parents, us, us-parents, combinations. Finally, my Dad called me up and was like "Chris, I know that you really want to go, but I don't want you to get stuck up there if the weather goes bad (thinking that all AK weather is like the Arctic circle), and I think you should wait for the summer. Of course, at first I was pissed and self righteous that I deserved it etc., but then understanding. He told me that if I waited until summer he would buy the ticket for me to go for my birthday. I agreed, and he did. I can remember holding it for the first time: Chi-Seattle-Ketchican Ak, then a 3 hour ferry to Craig. She would meet me in Ketch. (FYI-a real popular tourist stop for cruise ships). The weeks before where filled with excitement, bliss, nervousness, apprehension, etc. Until finally the night before came.
I can remember that night like it was yesterday. It was a night that changed my life forever. My Dad sat me down, and gave me the be careful, be gentleman, be nice etc. speech..use rubbers, etc., but the lasting comment was "Manny, (he called me that sometimes), just be yourself, and she will love you. That sentence still brings tears to my eyes, and is etched in my memory like a stone. Unfortunately, also that night he left for Wisconsin to our cabin instead of taking me to the airport the next day. A decision that would also change my life forever.
The next day I was ready, triple checking things, calling Carly to see if everything was still on. Her parents where awesome, they had "house rules" which meant that Carly and I couldn't be in the same room alone, but trust me those where not enforced. They even helped us pay for the trip, and in return I brought some Midwest produce. Unfortunately, let me save you the suspense. Produce does not respond well to 12 hours of travel, but back to the story. Now I can remember the phone ringing and me picking up. "Is Kathy Jurs there?" said the Madison Hospital nurse-she wasn't so I was left with the message, please call her back. Anyway, the details even to us where not very clear and so my Mom decided to go to Madison being only 2 hours away to see what was going on. We thought that my Dad got banged up a little in a minor car accident..mistake.. Anyway, I got a ride to the airport with a family friend. I can remember the ride...I can remember checking in..I remember landing in Seattle....and that is what our story ends..for now..
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
First Blog
So I thought that this would be a good way for me to write about my struggles with life. It maybe my vent that allows me to say things that I don't. Let me just say I hope to write in this everyday, but I know I will fall short of that goal. Hopefully, I will get some random readers who can tell me how much of a douche bag I am, and that I should just stop complaining and appreciate what I have. Which I dare say is true. However, I ask you to give me a fair chance from the start.
Go team,
Chris
Go team,
Chris
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