Dad

So its funny because I think only Chad reads this blog, and I am not sure if he does anymore.. but he knows more about me maybe than anybody just by reading this...not sure what that means..but back to the story.
So I went home for my dads funeral. My friends were awesome...and people like royalty and harmening really came through. I mean I love those guys, but sometimes you dont know how good of friend they are to you until they show it...because they never say how they feel...but they showed up in fine style. Actually, Jessica Butts who I had some drama with at school was great too. She actually listened to me talking.. you know most people just listen to be able to talk, but not many people just listen because you need it..She was there for me, and dispite what would happen later between us...she really was a great friend then.
Now of course, we had everybody coming from everywhere. People I havent seen in years, and havent seen since. In a way though, its good to know that people still come together. Although I was the forgotten grand child being 11 years younger than the next. So everybody was grown up by the time I really got in the picture. No big family holidays..maybe thats why I would love to have a big family.
I was strong, as I needed to be. The only time I really broke down was when it was only me and my dad.. and I was looking at him.. Knowing that I would never see him again. The hardest thing about it.. and still is.. Its been 7 years...almost a third of my life.. I have spent without him. To know that I will live another 60 years without being able to talk to him or hug him...thats tough on me. He never got to see the man I became. He always thought I would settle for the first woman I slept with, and would most likely have an ordinary life. I hope he is proud of me. Although I think he would want me to be happy, which I do not know if I am to be honest.
I wasnt going to speak.. I didnt know if I could..but I did.. I dont remember what I said. All I know is that it came from my heart. The shitty thing is.. just when my dad and I were really becoming friends and understanding each other...I think we would be best friends now. I really do.. but thats cliche I suppose.
It was the toughest time of my life. The next couple of months I hated the world. My mom would call saying that she wanted to kill herself. Carly would call and cry and say how much she missed me, and I was 19, and all my friends were going to the bar...leaving me alone...I remember laying there not really caring if I woke up.. I was a robot...my classmates were great. Ryan..and physics guys. They wrote me a card.. it was sweet.. It really put things in perspective for me...to be that low...to be inches away from losing everything...it was like dying and being born again. I know that sounds weird but the old chris.. the naive.. boyish..happy chris was gone.. and a shell was all that remained. It went on that way for a while.. and things got worse when my aunt died and our house was finally done after being burned to the ground...Really, I had lost everything...my parents, myself, my love...all I had left is me...