So its funny because I think only Chad reads this blog, and I am not sure if he does anymore.. but he knows more about me maybe than anybody just by reading this...not sure what that means..but back to the story.
So I went home for my dads funeral. My friends were awesome...and people like royalty and harmening really came through. I mean I love those guys, but sometimes you dont know how good of friend they are to you until they show it...because they never say how they feel...but they showed up in fine style. Actually, Jessica Butts who I had some drama with at school was great too. She actually listened to me talking.. you know most people just listen to be able to talk, but not many people just listen because you need it..She was there for me, and dispite what would happen later between us...she really was a great friend then.
Now of course, we had everybody coming from everywhere. People I havent seen in years, and havent seen since. In a way though, its good to know that people still come together. Although I was the forgotten grand child being 11 years younger than the next. So everybody was grown up by the time I really got in the picture. No big family holidays..maybe thats why I would love to have a big family.
I was strong, as I needed to be. The only time I really broke down was when it was only me and my dad.. and I was looking at him.. Knowing that I would never see him again. The hardest thing about it.. and still is.. Its been 7 years...almost a third of my life.. I have spent without him. To know that I will live another 60 years without being able to talk to him or hug him...thats tough on me. He never got to see the man I became. He always thought I would settle for the first woman I slept with, and would most likely have an ordinary life. I hope he is proud of me. Although I think he would want me to be happy, which I do not know if I am to be honest.
I wasnt going to speak.. I didnt know if I could..but I did.. I dont remember what I said. All I know is that it came from my heart. The shitty thing is.. just when my dad and I were really becoming friends and understanding each other...I think we would be best friends now. I really do.. but thats cliche I suppose.
It was the toughest time of my life. The next couple of months I hated the world. My mom would call saying that she wanted to kill herself. Carly would call and cry and say how much she missed me, and I was 19, and all my friends were going to the bar...leaving me alone...I remember laying there not really caring if I woke up.. I was a robot...my classmates were great. Ryan..and physics guys. They wrote me a card.. it was sweet.. It really put things in perspective for me...to be that low...to be inches away from losing everything...it was like dying and being born again. I know that sounds weird but the old chris.. the naive.. boyish..happy chris was gone.. and a shell was all that remained. It went on that way for a while.. and things got worse when my aunt died and our house was finally done after being burned to the ground...Really, I had lost everything...my parents, myself, my love...all I had left is me...
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Moving On
I remember coming home. I lived in a trance for the first two months...my mind in one place..my heart in another. It was some sort of relief to go back to school..good ole WIU. Starting my soph. year. It was rough. I remember that my Mom would call and yell at me for really no good reason. Just because I think she needed to vent, and its easy to pick on somebody that cant easily fight back...but let me back up...
My dad had been moved to a rehab place in Wheaton IL. I visited him, and now I was getting used to his condition....It was tough..but I was able to separate the old dad vs. the new dad. I remember the nurse asked if I could give him a bath and he said I didnt have to. I remember saying.. "Dad of course I will". He would do the same thing for me in an instant. It was good to talk to him, and just spend time with him. Looking back, I know that my Dad had some brain damage, but he was humbled by God, and his heart was open.. It was the person that I got to see some with old dad, but it was covered by frustration and alcohol. Now that soft, loving person was the only one present, and it was good. I think it was good for my Mom to hear how much my Dad loved her. I think that she still needs that. But I visited him often, and finally went back to school.
Again, school was tough...grinding..but I will never forget the call that I got one morning about 6 am. The day my Father died, presumably from a heart attack...I was sad and glad at the same time. He didnt have to suffer anymore, struggling through life to do basic tasks. I remember I called Moes and asked him if he could pick me up and take me home because I didnt have a car.. He did.. It was a quiet ride home, but I knew he would come get me..That is the type of friend he is, the type of person he is, and why he is the friend that everybody wants, not like me. I am a tough person to know I think, but once you figure out my personality.. I think you understand me. But thats another blog.....
TBC...
My dad had been moved to a rehab place in Wheaton IL. I visited him, and now I was getting used to his condition....It was tough..but I was able to separate the old dad vs. the new dad. I remember the nurse asked if I could give him a bath and he said I didnt have to. I remember saying.. "Dad of course I will". He would do the same thing for me in an instant. It was good to talk to him, and just spend time with him. Looking back, I know that my Dad had some brain damage, but he was humbled by God, and his heart was open.. It was the person that I got to see some with old dad, but it was covered by frustration and alcohol. Now that soft, loving person was the only one present, and it was good. I think it was good for my Mom to hear how much my Dad loved her. I think that she still needs that. But I visited him often, and finally went back to school.
Again, school was tough...grinding..but I will never forget the call that I got one morning about 6 am. The day my Father died, presumably from a heart attack...I was sad and glad at the same time. He didnt have to suffer anymore, struggling through life to do basic tasks. I remember I called Moes and asked him if he could pick me up and take me home because I didnt have a car.. He did.. It was a quiet ride home, but I knew he would come get me..That is the type of friend he is, the type of person he is, and why he is the friend that everybody wants, not like me. I am a tough person to know I think, but once you figure out my personality.. I think you understand me. But thats another blog.....
TBC...
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Story Part duex...duex..
So I worked the rest of that summer..heartbroken. Waking up going to work.. visiting my dad in Mad-town. Talking with AK girl nightly keeping hope that I will see her again. My dad's condition soon stabilized and it soon became clear that he was going to live. I then started saving up money...and I did... Carly and I saved up enough money for me to go back to AK. I was going to go up there for about 3.5 weeks. After much deliberation. I remember my Mom telling me that I didnt deserve to go.. That I shouldn't go..I remember it because I think it was the single cruelest words she has ever said to me. I mean its like telling you.. you dont deserve to eat...
I went though, despite her. I went and I dont regret one day of it. I think it was probably the happiest I have been. I was in love and it was naive young love. The kind that you have that you dont realize the down side of being in love, or being jaded by others....The first love type. I got to spend time with her and her family and really bond. Her family is that great family type. You know the ones that everybody knows everybody, even 3rd cousins. The kind of family that most people are jealous of..that kind. They treated me like one of their own. I will spare you the details of the trip, mostly because they are pristine in my mind and I will keep them to myself. Some things are better left unwritten. I do remember saying goodbye. I remember that I wrote her a letter the night before, and it was soaked in tears. Saying everything that I could. I knew then that I would never see her again, even though to this day I would love to see her again. Not because of feelings but just to know that I left on my own terms and not those dictated by life. I can remember seeing her..hugging her for the last time. I remember it like it was yesterday....
I read her letter for me, almost as soon as we were apart. It was tough but satisfying. See Carly was the type of girl that was like a nut. A tough exterior, but once you get into it.. there is no going back. She would be hesitant to admit her feelings, so when she did it was great. My flight was delayed for hours...and I almost went back to her island for one more night.. but 9 hours later.. I went home...and started a different chapter of my life.
I went though, despite her. I went and I dont regret one day of it. I think it was probably the happiest I have been. I was in love and it was naive young love. The kind that you have that you dont realize the down side of being in love, or being jaded by others....The first love type. I got to spend time with her and her family and really bond. Her family is that great family type. You know the ones that everybody knows everybody, even 3rd cousins. The kind of family that most people are jealous of..that kind. They treated me like one of their own. I will spare you the details of the trip, mostly because they are pristine in my mind and I will keep them to myself. Some things are better left unwritten. I do remember saying goodbye. I remember that I wrote her a letter the night before, and it was soaked in tears. Saying everything that I could. I knew then that I would never see her again, even though to this day I would love to see her again. Not because of feelings but just to know that I left on my own terms and not those dictated by life. I can remember seeing her..hugging her for the last time. I remember it like it was yesterday....
I read her letter for me, almost as soon as we were apart. It was tough but satisfying. See Carly was the type of girl that was like a nut. A tough exterior, but once you get into it.. there is no going back. She would be hesitant to admit her feelings, so when she did it was great. My flight was delayed for hours...and I almost went back to her island for one more night.. but 9 hours later.. I went home...and started a different chapter of my life.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
The story..cont'd
So the last time that I wrote about the story that was my life. I was coming back on a plane..to see if my father was going to make it...
I am remember being out of it at the airports, especially Seattle. When I look back it seems like slow motion.. One moment sticks out, when I lost it on a plane..luckily it was dark.. and I think it has been the only time in my life where I completely just broke down..like Pete sampras at the U.S. Open. I remember because they were playing the movie the "Time Machine" starring Guy Pierce. I remember that I looked directly at an English woman who was wearing an eye cover to sleep. She looked at me bawling, and then went directly back to sleep. I think that was a moment that I realized humanity is full of all sorts of people, even the un-compassionite. Before that moment, I think I was still a dumb, optimistic kid...that thought the world was full of sunshine and love..or at least that is how I thought I could make my world..but back to the story.
So I got off the plane, and was briefly greeted by my family...nothing more than a polite hug, and we drove directly to the hospital.. a long 1.5 hours to Madison. I can remember seeing my dad for the first time.. it was probably the hardest thing and humblest moment of my life. A monster of a man reduced to tubes, hoses, machines, and that hospital smell. I knew right then, that this was for real, and my "Dad" was gone forever...at least the one that I knew. The hardest thing was that he started crying when he saw me.. which almost brings me to tears as I write it. He cried because he knew how much Alaska meant to me.. How much I wanted it.. like I had wanted nothing before or since. He told them not to bring me back, and yet they did anyway...it was..it is one of the greatest signs of true love that I have ever been shown. Its a hell of a thing to see true compassion..especially from your Father.
The next of that summer where tough. My mother spent most of the days falling apart at the hospital...trying to find herself and be there for my dad. I went back to work..and took care of my sister. My step-brother Cory was there for a while.. to "help". My days consisted of going to work at 5 and coming home at 5, and going to see my Dad 3-4 times a week. Paying bills, groceries, etc...and trying to hold it together. See my Mother stopped being a Mom then. Maybe its being selfish..some might say...but she never asked how me or my sister was doing..never consoled us...never asked...she was just worried mostly about herself..which I do see.. I remember her saying that she would have to take care of dad the right of his life. I think, I guess I know that she was so sheltered.. so protected..that the fact of everything changing scared the shit out of her, and I dont think that she could handle it all. Some people under duress can only handle so much before shutting down. I think maybe she had to die to be born again..a different woman..but my mother was never the same.. and our relationship has never been the same. In my opinion, a mother should always look to help her children, not look to herself first. I always disagreed with that. She will tell you differently...but I remember holding my sister crying..tell her that mom does care, and everything will be alright...it wouldnt though...in some ways my life will never be alright..
I am remember being out of it at the airports, especially Seattle. When I look back it seems like slow motion.. One moment sticks out, when I lost it on a plane..luckily it was dark.. and I think it has been the only time in my life where I completely just broke down..like Pete sampras at the U.S. Open. I remember because they were playing the movie the "Time Machine" starring Guy Pierce. I remember that I looked directly at an English woman who was wearing an eye cover to sleep. She looked at me bawling, and then went directly back to sleep. I think that was a moment that I realized humanity is full of all sorts of people, even the un-compassionite. Before that moment, I think I was still a dumb, optimistic kid...that thought the world was full of sunshine and love..or at least that is how I thought I could make my world..but back to the story.
So I got off the plane, and was briefly greeted by my family...nothing more than a polite hug, and we drove directly to the hospital.. a long 1.5 hours to Madison. I can remember seeing my dad for the first time.. it was probably the hardest thing and humblest moment of my life. A monster of a man reduced to tubes, hoses, machines, and that hospital smell. I knew right then, that this was for real, and my "Dad" was gone forever...at least the one that I knew. The hardest thing was that he started crying when he saw me.. which almost brings me to tears as I write it. He cried because he knew how much Alaska meant to me.. How much I wanted it.. like I had wanted nothing before or since. He told them not to bring me back, and yet they did anyway...it was..it is one of the greatest signs of true love that I have ever been shown. Its a hell of a thing to see true compassion..especially from your Father.
The next of that summer where tough. My mother spent most of the days falling apart at the hospital...trying to find herself and be there for my dad. I went back to work..and took care of my sister. My step-brother Cory was there for a while.. to "help". My days consisted of going to work at 5 and coming home at 5, and going to see my Dad 3-4 times a week. Paying bills, groceries, etc...and trying to hold it together. See my Mother stopped being a Mom then. Maybe its being selfish..some might say...but she never asked how me or my sister was doing..never consoled us...never asked...she was just worried mostly about herself..which I do see.. I remember her saying that she would have to take care of dad the right of his life. I think, I guess I know that she was so sheltered.. so protected..that the fact of everything changing scared the shit out of her, and I dont think that she could handle it all. Some people under duress can only handle so much before shutting down. I think maybe she had to die to be born again..a different woman..but my mother was never the same.. and our relationship has never been the same. In my opinion, a mother should always look to help her children, not look to herself first. I always disagreed with that. She will tell you differently...but I remember holding my sister crying..tell her that mom does care, and everything will be alright...it wouldnt though...in some ways my life will never be alright..
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