The story..cont'd

So the last time that I wrote about the story that was my life. I was coming back on a plane..to see if my father was going to make it...
I am remember being out of it at the airports, especially Seattle. When I look back it seems like slow motion.. One moment sticks out, when I lost it on a plane..luckily it was dark.. and I think it has been the only time in my life where I completely just broke down..like Pete sampras at the U.S. Open. I remember because they were playing the movie the "Time Machine" starring Guy Pierce. I remember that I looked directly at an English woman who was wearing an eye cover to sleep. She looked at me bawling, and then went directly back to sleep. I think that was a moment that I realized humanity is full of all sorts of people, even the un-compassionite. Before that moment, I think I was still a dumb, optimistic kid...that thought the world was full of sunshine and love..or at least that is how I thought I could make my world..but back to the story.

So I got off the plane, and was briefly greeted by my family...nothing more than a polite hug, and we drove directly to the hospital.. a long 1.5 hours to Madison. I can remember seeing my dad for the first time.. it was probably the hardest thing and humblest moment of my life. A monster of a man reduced to tubes, hoses, machines, and that hospital smell. I knew right then, that this was for real, and my "Dad" was gone forever...at least the one that I knew. The hardest thing was that he started crying when he saw me.. which almost brings me to tears as I write it. He cried because he knew how much Alaska meant to me.. How much I wanted it.. like I had wanted nothing before or since. He told them not to bring me back, and yet they did anyway...it was..it is one of the greatest signs of true love that I have ever been shown. Its a hell of a thing to see true compassion..especially from your Father.

The next of that summer where tough. My mother spent most of the days falling apart at the hospital...trying to find herself and be there for my dad. I went back to work..and took care of my sister. My step-brother Cory was there for a while.. to "help". My days consisted of going to work at 5 and coming home at 5, and going to see my Dad 3-4 times a week. Paying bills, groceries, etc...and trying to hold it together. See my Mother stopped being a Mom then. Maybe its being selfish..some might say...but she never asked how me or my sister was doing..never consoled us...never asked...she was just worried mostly about herself..which I do see.. I remember her saying that she would have to take care of dad the right of his life. I think, I guess I know that she was so sheltered.. so protected..that the fact of everything changing scared the shit out of her, and I dont think that she could handle it all. Some people under duress can only handle so much before shutting down. I think maybe she had to die to be born again..a different woman..but my mother was never the same.. and our relationship has never been the same. In my opinion, a mother should always look to help her children, not look to herself first. I always disagreed with that. She will tell you differently...but I remember holding my sister crying..tell her that mom does care, and everything will be alright...it wouldnt though...in some ways my life will never be alright..