Happiness

So this is my first post in a long, long time.  It's 2013 and that still is weird in my mind to say.  I remember when I thought 30 was so old that I could not even dream of it.  Ironically, 30 is just around the corner and I finally think that my life is taking shape.

Love. Love is what really drives life and makes it.  After all, its not what you have that people remember, but the love that you gave and received.  Sure, I am the first to admit that I get caught in the trap of complaining about day-to-day routines, but at my heart, I love my life.  There are so many small things that I now find funny.  I rode on an elevator this morning and broke out laughing because of the typical cliche situation of everyone looking at the numbers, begging to reach the ground floor and end the ackwardness.  Ackwardness is a part of life and really makes you smile when you stop to think about it, but I digress.

Love is like magic. You cant really explain it, force it, or even make it.  It just happens.  I have been in love and searched for it.  Its an aweful feeling when someone loves you and you have no love for them in return.  It hits you at the pit of your stomach because in the back of your mind, you know that you are searching for something more that no matter how great this person is....they will have to be the star in someone else's sky.  In my life, I have been both the star and the dreamer. Young love. It is so passionite. Its so bright that anyone who looks at it cant help but be envious for days gone by.  Thinking back to all the women that I have really loved, I cant help and look back and smile.  How I was a boy that loved with all of his heart knowing that the odds are against me.  Maybe that defines my love life, loving women that are under dogs. Living far away, older, damaged, jaded, or just not ready.  All those little things that make the odds decrease. Its my fault.  I think that I can overcome any obstacle, be every women's prince charming, but in the end, life always have a different idea for me.  I think getting older has realized that I dont need to be all those things, I just have to be the best man that I can every day.  As long as I keep my eyes up, stay humble, work hard, and yes, love, things will work out for me.

I hope my kids know what its like to really love. I almost convinced myself that I didnt need a woman to really love me to be happy.  That I would "go on" being great with mediocre women who werent quite right.  The fire and passion that I have in my belly masked.  Love should be untamed, natural, and allow you to express who you are.

(side bar)

I offered to pay for my friend Nate to go back to school today.  Not because I felt that it would make me feel good or anything of the sort. It hurts me to see my friend not really having a chance to do what he loves. I know, a lot of people would say that if he really wanted to, he would. I agree, but sometimes it takes a little kick in the ass.  He may do nothing and accept his fate of jumping from job to job and not really finding a career or maybe he will surprise me and take a chance.  Thats one of the best parts of life. Taking chances.

Kim.  You really have helped open doors to my heart that I havent had open in a while.  The doors that contain the love inside of me, fernando, and mitch.  I am that hopeless romantic that would fly to alaska, persue you for months, or show up with a play that we can act out.  That is the part of me that when I tap into makes me feel great about myself.  I know that I can be hard man to know in a lot of small ways, but know that I love you.  I am not a great texter or phone talker. Sometimes my mind wanders and I lose myself in thought.  Just know that when I look into your eyes, I am helpless.  I love them. The way that they reflect back at me wanting to say sooo much, yet saying nothing.  I love you. I picture them in my mind and it makes me smile because I know all the love that is behind those eyes.  Know though that I love you too. More than I can text or say. I see a future in your eyes. It doesnt make me scared or restless, its comforting. It makes me want to be the man I can be. The man I am. 

Hopefully, I never forget what its like to really love and how lucky I am to be loved. 

I am lucky and look forward to 2013....just not work tomorrow.