The beginning of the end

So it been awhile since I wrote. Not that I have been so busy, but just have been focused, I guess. I really have devoted myself to work and working out, and kind of neglected my social life in hopes of waiting until after the new year. I cant fucking wait to go home for a few weeks. I need to get out of here and re-charge my battery. I have been reading people's post, and finding old friends on facebook. You know what is weird...when woman that you love, now have a family and are happily married. Part of me, is very happy that they ended up alright, part of me thinks that might have been you. Who knows though? Maybe I expect too much for the marriage type of woman. I have had that kind of love though. The kind of love that makes you crazy, but you dont even think.. you just do. Thats what I want, a friend, everything. Am I wrong to want so much. I think people settle for someone that they care about, and will know that will provide them love and security..etc. Sometimes I think about settling, but that scares me. I think that if you think that you are settling you are already fucked. You should always want to be with that person, and can never see your life without them. Thats what I want. The trouble is, I dont have an avenue to get it. Work is full of old guys, and going out to the bar is hard to meet that kind of woman. I think this usually comes from friends, or family introducing you. What do I know though. It would be nice to get laid, to be honest.. but I feel bad when I mess around with a woman I really have no interest in. I feel kind of proud and dirty if that makes sense. I wish I knew how to find my niche, a good job (check), happy with me (semi-check), family, friends, not even close. I just need a spark.
I mean dont get me wrong I love people who meet in hs, and get married. They are lucky, plus I think they are naive, which draws them back to each other because lets be honest. Dating can be daunting, and scarey. Plus, finding your "love" at 17, if that is all you know and you care about. Then thats enough. You dont search for something you dont know. If that make sense. Its true what they say. People that you love, take a piece of you. So if you only loved one woman.. they get all of you.. not whats left. It gets harder when you have find a woman who will fill those missing pieces with their love. I think about that. A woman living 40 years with me. all my faults.. I am the most competitive, self-demanding, little OCD person that I know. There are things that I must do in order to feel right, but at the same time I can be pretty awesome. Thats it though, a person that makes you feel like the person you want to be. A person that knows you, and loves the shit out of you anyway. I think thats real love. If your really lucky, that same woman is a woman that you are great friends with, and is smokin hot by your standards. If thats the case, thats the one. I want that. The question is, when you turn 30, and havent found it again, what do you do?